Santa and the Elves
by PotatoPixy
Summary: We all know that Santa has enslaved "elves" to do his dirty work for him but little is known about where these elves came from. Read, Review and Learn
1. T'was the night before christmas

Disclaimer: I do not own lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, or Santa Claus

Please do not send me hate things over this. I hate Christmas, I am Jewish and I have my reasons. This is just my sick sense of humor. If you believe in the jolly old fat man do not read. And I know there was no Christmas in middle earth.

* * *

"C'mon children. Time for bed." Arwen said trying to round up her three children, Aragorn smirking behind her. 

"But mom…." The eldest, at age nine, wined.

"But nothing." Arwen responded.

"C'mon, just one bedtime story." begged the youngest child.

"No…" Arwen responded.

"Let me read them one story. After all it's Christmas eve." Aragorn nudged.

"Aw, alright. But you all need to be under the covers." Arwen told.

"Tell us the one about the ring."

"No tell us the one about how you met mommy."

"No tell us…."

"I have an idea." Aragorn interrupted. "Ok, once upon a time…."

* * *

"Ok, ok, hold your reindeer Mrs. Claus. I know its thanksgiving already. I am looking for a cheep labor source to help me with all these gifts." Santa picked up his crystal ball, as they called it in the North Pole and called Saruman. "Hello buddy, how are you?"

"Eh could be better. I mean my army was defeated by raggedy old men and elves and my kingdom has been flooded by trees."

"Bummer. Just for that. I will humiliate trees world wide by having families cut them down and decorate them with tacky ornaments."

"Well, it won't bring me back my dignity but sounds cool"

"Oh, before I forget. I have been meaning to ask you. I am looking for an army of toy builders to help with the holiday season. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Um… let's see. Elves make beautiful work."

"Elves, I like the sound of that. Where do if find these elves?"

"Um, you might want to check Mirkwood."

"Ok. Buddy. Talk to you later."

A few days alter Santa packed up his sleigh with milk and cookies and set out for Middle Earth.

After flying around for hours… "I think we've been going around in circles." Prancer mumbled.

"Yeah Santa. Why don't you ask for directions?" Donner asked.

"Listen! When I want your help, I'll ask for it." Santa looked down and saw a giant neon sign reading 'Welcome to Mirkwood…where the ugly are killed and eaten.' "See, there it is." Santa said, steering the sleigh downward.

"Yea we only passed it three times!" Prancer mumbled.

After landing Santa unhooked the reindeer and began to walk into the wood. They came to a river. "Um, Santa, I don't think you should go in there." Vixen warned.

"Hey what did I tell you about helping me!" Santa screamed. He saw s rock in the middle of the river and figured that he can get across in two easy hops. Hop one… he had made it. Hop two… fell straight into the water. The deer stared blankly.

"Should we help him?" asked Blitzen.

"Nah," The others said in unison. Suddenly the lifeless Santa was scooped up by a giant spider who tangled him in a cocoon and took him to her giant web, yards away. "I mean, he told us not to after all."

"Now?" Blitzen asked.

"Nope. I mean he told us not to." The spider was about to eat Santa when suddenly Rudolf flew over the river to save him.

Upon returning Santa safely to the sleigh. "Why did you have to go and do that for? Now we are going do laugh and call you names and never lets you join in any of our reindeer games." Comet mocked.

As soon and Saint Nick regained consciousness he picked up his mobile crystal ball to call Saruman. "Mirkwood is a no. Any other suggestions.?"

"Try Lothlorian."

* * *

A/N: I really hope that this won't get me kicked of again. Oh well. R&R. There's more to the story so stay tuned. 


	2. Lothlorian

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or Santa Clause

Warning: Do not read it you believe in Santa, are pregnant or may become pregnant. Consult your doctor before taking potatopixy.

* * *

"What happens next daddy?"

"Did Santa see Legolas in Mirkwood?"

"No but… but let's say Cupid met head first with one of his arrows." Aragorn explained.

* * *

Santa, now one reindeer short began his decent into Lothlorian as the sun began to set.

He once again unhooked his reindeer and began to enter the woods. He was amazed by the glistening lights everywhere. Mouth wide open, drooling all over his white suit he walked towards the lighted stairway.

"Don't go towards to light!" the ghost of Cupid warned.

"It's so pretty," He continued to walk, hand stretched out, "Ouch sharp!" He had walked straight into Sir Lothlorian Elf whom I am to lazy to think of a name for.

"Look Fred! He walked straight into my arrow." Sir Lothlorian Elf whom I am to lazy to think of a name for said.

"Ha, well would you look at that. I guess we should take him to Galadriel." Fred said.

The guards dragged Santa up the glistening steps, his head hitting each one. His suit was now stained with blood, leaving only white trim. The ghost of Cupid flew above him "I wasn't going to say it but… I told you so."

"But it's so beautiful. I think I shall have families all across the world put lights like these on there house hold."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard of." Cupid groaned.

"Now tell me, how is practically killing yourself to put lights on the roof, making them blink rapidly giving innocent by standards seizures, increasing the electric bill a hundred dollars in the month of December, and leaving them up until August stupid? Not to mention they can also put giant extremely tacky blow up things on there front lawn. Christmas shall be now known as the festival of lights." Santa babbled.

"Um, that's Chanukah. Chanukah is the festival of lights." Cupid reminded.

"Yea, like anybody celebrates that."

As they dragged him by the arms the two guards looked down. "Who's he talking to." Fred asked.

"Not sure." Sir Lothlorian Elf whom I am to lazy to think of a name for responded. They continued to hit Santa's head on each passing step. Eventually his eyes rolled into the back of his head and choked on his tongue. "Well I guess he won't be talking anytime soon."

"Muahahahaha." The elves cackled as they reached the top of the tree.

"What are you morons laughing at?" Galadriel asked.

They dropped Santa. "Umm, there was an intruder."

"Oh." He looked down and the lifeless bloody Santa Claus. "He brings great peril to us, and the smell of Reindeer droppings and rancid eggnog. But he also brings joy to gullible children and horror to families who give into his capitalist propaganda" She said out loud, but then tuned into his subconscious. "I want a pony, and a rocket ship, and a suicide Barbie, and world domination, I mean piece, No wait. I stand corrected. World domination."

Utterly confused by having somebody in her head he awoke suddenly. "What. What?"

"Welcome to Lothlorian, home of the elves Sir Nicolas."

"Elves? Oh ELVES!" Santa finally realized. "Yes. I have been meaning to speak with these so called elves. Can you please take me to there leader."

"That would be me. I am Galadriel, the beautiful and freakishly creepy queen."

"Yes, well I have a proposition for you." Santa stood up.

* * *

A/N: I don't exactly know if this is as funny as the first. But please read and review. There is still more. But I am taking it one step at a time. See today was the history behind Christmas lights not to mention I want to hurry up so I can go watch the extended ROTK. Thanks everybody and make sure to check out my other stories. 


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